What's more real (or unreal, for that matter) than awards ceremonies? So Altered Reality is tackling Sunday night's Golden Globe Awards . . .
Although we thought Ricky Gervais was pretty funny, we have to assume he'll be persona non grata at next year's event because of his unrelenting comic attacks on everything and everyone. Few survived unscathed, and those who did (e.g. Tom Hanks) rose to the defense of those who didn't (Tim Allen). A few, including Robert Downey Jr., Hanks and Allen, tried to snipe back, but the damage was already done.
Gervais' meanness seems to have grown exponentially with his weight loss. But, hey, the producers hired him for snark, so if Ricky went a little (OK, a lot) too far, it's really not his fault. After all, they loved him so much last year, they asked him to re-up as host before the ceremony was over.
One of his prime targets was the film The Tourist, and its stars Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp. We could understand Depp's appearance; he was nominated for best actor for both Alice in Wonderland and The Tourist. But why did Jolie even bother to show up? She didn't have a snowball's chance, even if the awards had been held in blizzard-ridden New York. She looked so frail and wasted, she probably would have been better off chilling at home.
Question: Is Helena Bonham Carter secretly a bag lady? If she wasn't a rich actress, we'd believe it, with the way she dresses and that rat's nest she calls a hairdo. Actually she and director/hubby Tim Burton (who was a no-show) both look like characters out of one of his fanciful films. We were particularly amused by her wearing two different-colored shoes, one red, one green. And her multi-colored Vivienne Westwood mess of a dress didn't even have green in it.
But we have to admit that Sandra Bullock, Tina Fey and Annette Bening were in competition with Carter for worst hair of the evening.
Diane Warren: What was worse, her outfit or her inability to speak a coherent sentence?
Our favorite dresses were worn by Olivia Wilde and Claire Danes. Other women who looked great included Halle Berry, Carrie Underwood (nominated for co-writing the song There's a Place for Us from the film The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader) and Anne Hathaway in a gorgeous sleek metallic dress from Giorgio Armani Prive. Megan Fox was sizzling hot, which may not be news, but, wow, so was Heather Morris from Glee.
Handsomest guy (still) is Jon Hamm, even if our beloved Mad Man lost to Steve Buscemi, a decision we couldn't argue with, since we never miss an episode of either of their shows. Johnny Depp and Robert Downey Jr. are both still gorgeous, but look as if they could also use showers, shaves and haircuts.
Looks we hated included Natalie Portman's rose-on-the-breast dress, as well as her horse laugh during her acceptance speech. And yes, Natalie, we get it. Your future husband and father of your child wanted to do you. Good for you!
Someone also needs to explain to us what was attractive about: January Jones' red bondage dress; Jennifer Love Hewitt's huge napkin-cum-fan bodice; Heidi Klum's whole dress, which looked as if one of her kids threw up on her; and Kelly Osbourne's schizo Zac Posen number.
Is anyone else over one-shouldered dresses, especially the ones with a cabbage patch growing on, off or near the shoulder?
Jennifer Lopez: If her presenting stint at the Golden Globes is any indication of what American Idol is going to be like this season, all we can say is, Oy!
So happy for both Chris Colfer and Jane Lynch, but both of them winning seems contradictory -- he plays the sensitive put-upon gay kid and she the bitch who torments people like him. Somehow, we were glad Lea Michele lost, while Matthew Morrison has a thankless job as Glee's lead; he'll always play second to the kids.
A lot of our other TV choices won, too, so we're smugly happy about: Steve Buscemi and Boardwalk Empire, Laura Linney, Jim Parsons, Claire Danes and Al Pacino. HBO cleaned the clocks of the broadcast and cable industries with Temple Grandin, You Don't Know Jack and Boardwalk Empire, three magnificent productions.
Finally, yes, we're suckers for sentiment and beating The Big C, so we loved the standing O that Michael Douglas received. He and Catherine Zeta Jones looked pretty damn sharp, too.