If you're wondering why this week's BIANCULLI'S BEST BETS provide no mention of either the new NBC sitcom Are You There, Chelsea? or the new CBS sitcom Rob, let me be clear. It's not an oversight. It's a judgment. Both shows are terrible -- but Chelsea Handler's program is the more disappointing, because she's been so clever and successful at hosting talk shows and writing memoirs...
But under the guidance of NBC, Handler's delightful book Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea now ranks, in TV history, as the worst TV sitcom to be adapted from another medium, with an edited title, since CBS's S*** My Dad Says.
I don't know what's worse: NBC making a sitcom that squeezes all the humor out of Handler's original book like so much dirty water from a dishrag, or Handler herself explicitly endorsing the diluted proceedings by co-starring in the sitcom, playing her own older sister.
Actually, I do know what's worse. It's the latter. More on that in a minute.
In Are You There, Chelsea? (Wednesday, 8:30 p.m. ET, NBC), the title role goes to Laura Prepon, who's made several impressive appearances on TV lately as a second-act follow-up to her days on That 70's Show -- most notably as a guest star on ABC's Castle.
But playing Chelsea, with the real Chelsea co-starring as disapproving sister Sloane, Prepon seems oddly deflated, as though her idea of conveying Chelsea's sharp sarcasm is to be as flat-voiced and depressed as possible: equal parts Eeyore and Marvin the Robot.
And Handler, as a sitcom actress in this particular character, is about as likable here as she is amusing. In both cases, not very.
Many of the jokes, and even some of the situations, are familiar from Chelsea Handler's books, but they don't transfer winningly here. Just because it's based on real life, that doesn't make it real funny.
A perfect case study of this is CBS's Rob, which premieres Thursday (8:30 p.m. ET, CBS), and stars former Saturday Night Live cast member Rob Schneider as a fastidious bachelor who marries a Mexican-American (played by Claudia Bassols).
In real life, that echoes Schneider's third and current marriage in real life -- and in the sitcom, the humor is supposed to derive from Rob's culture clashes with his new in-laws, especially the father-in-law, played by Cheech Marin).
It may be funny in real life, and sound funny in a pitch meeting, and perhaps -- though I doubt it -- even look funny on paper. But on TV, as presented in this new CBS pilot, Rob isn't fun to watch. It's positively painful.
Chelsea Handler's sitcom failure, however, is the more egregious TV sin.
Why? Because, like Kathy Griffin and Sandra Bernhard before her, Handler achieved acclaim by making often incisive, usually biting observations about others in show business. But when you cross over to star in a sitcom, and do the sort of stuff you would mock in standup or on your talk show, you'd better be good.
In Are You There, Chelsea?, she isn't. Not even close. End of story.
But it'll give her a chance, on her show and in her books, to make fun of herself for making a bad choice. And vodka knows, she's done that before.
And very, very well, at that...