The CBS celebrity competition series Secret Talents of the Starssounded like a horrible concept, but I didn't want to prejudge -- and couldn't, because it was televised live last night. Well, now I've seen it, and it's time for the postjudging...
Secret Talents of the Stars wasn't as horrible as it sounded. It exceeded those low expectations, by being even worse. It's the sort of series that shouldn't have made the cut at a third-tier cable network, much less a broadcast operation once known as the Tiffany Network. If CBS puts on a few more shows like this, it should be known as the Dollar-Store Network.
Host John O'Hurley announced, at the start, that Secret Talents was a six-week series. That's a pretty nasty threat, but apparently that's how long it takes to showcase four stars per week out of a field of 16, then present the semifinals before crowning a winner. Well, that's one way, anyway. Another way would be just to cancel the show immediately, after one smelly showing, as CBS once did with its ghoulish compete-for-an-inheritance reality series, The Will. (Remember, CBS: Where there's a Will, there's a way.)
Last night's featured artists were Olympics skater Sasha Cohen doing gymnastic dance contortions (not much of a stretch, except for all the stretching); George Takei from Star Trek singing "On the Road Again" (and butchering it in William Hung fashion); Clint Black trying standup comedy (barely passable); and singer Mya showing off a genuine passion, tap dancing.
Mya was truly impressive, the only one of the four who had any business asking for the audience's time to showcase a "secret talent." Broadway producers should look her way, immediately, and cast her in something like Chicago or a Busby Berkeley musical remake. (Update: Heard from one sharp-eared person already, who noted that Mya has been in Chicago -- that fabulous film version -- as one of the "Cell Block Tango" girls. How cool is that? I'd forgotten that completely.)
She and Black were the favorites of all three judges, who were cloned almost laughably from the American Idol mold. Instead of genial Randy Jackson, goofy Paula Abdul and surly Simon Cowell, Secret Talents of the Stars gives us R&B singer Brian McKnight as the affable music guy/black guy, actress Debbie Reynolds as the "I love everybody" enabler, and producer Gavin Polone as the judge with all of Cowell's attitude, but none of his tact.
"It's your voice," he said to Takei, "that I think kind of sucked."
I could say that of this show, but there are other ways to say it. Especially in broadcast TV prime time.
The talent and judges, except for Mya, were a total waste of time. And here's the kicker: The viewers, given a few minutes after each performance to vote for their favorite, ended up rejecting Mya and advancing Clint Black and Sasha Cohen instead.
But maybe that's good news for CBS. If the only viewers who would sit still for Secret Talents of the Stars are people who wouldn't know actual talent if it hit them in the face, CBS appears to have found them. Coming up soon... Danny Bonaduce on a unicycle!
I'm not kidding. And after last night, I'm not watching, either.