"Celebrity Circus" Another Big (Top) Network Embarrassment

Even when I come to new series with apprehension, I'm prepared, and often hoping, to be pleasantly surprised. And I must admit that NBC's Celebrity Circus, which premiered last night and was unavailable for preview because it was performed live, wasn't as bad as I expected.

It was worse. And it consumed two hours of my life I'll never get back.

Hosted by red-suited ringmaster Joey Fatone, whose own career was revived thanks to Dancing with the Stars, Celebrity Circus is the worst collection of poor performers performing poorly since... well, since the CBS debacle Secret Talents of the Stars, which was canceled in April after one episode. We'll never know who would have won that horrible talent show, and Danny Bonaduce, who didn't even get a chance to compete, will have to find another place to display his skills at riding a unicycle.

Given the state of today's television, I'm betting he'll find that place before too long. Probably on NBC.

These programs are easy targets, like shooting fish at the bottom of the barrel. Robert Bianco of USA Today said of Secret Talents of the Stars that "you can be excused for asking whether some contestants have any talents that aren't a secret." And Rick Kushman of The Sacramento Bee, assessing the talent roster for Celebrity Circus, dubbed it "Celebrity Trainwreck."

For this new NBC series, the definitions of both celebrity and circus are being stretched to their limits. Line up all the celebrities, police lineup style, and I'm not sure I could identify any of them. Wee Man, maybe. Christopher Knight, only because he's made reality TV his new career, after The Brady Bunch was his only old one. Blu Cantrell, Janet Evans and Antonio Sabato Jr.? No way.

And the three judges, cast in the apparently inviolable mold of American Idol? The worst was Louie Spence, who threw about his sexual orientation so aggressively (Fatone called him "the queen bee" at one point) that he had no problem making a gay play for Sabato in his post-performance assessment, and generally drawing attention to himself with a series of remarks ill-suited to an ostensibly family show.

It's hard to imagine many families, or other viewers, sitting still for this TV swill for long. Knight's high-wire act had some elements of drama to it, but the vast majority of Celebrity Circus was drama-less, tension-less and talentless.

"The next trick is so dangerous," Fatone said before one act, "it was banned from the circus for 20 years." Would that Celebrity Circus receives a similar ban. Last night, it certainly earned one.